Our second miscarriage and pregnancy after loss

My husband Jonathan decided pretty early on in our relationship that we wanted to start a family. We got pregnant with our first daughter quickly and had a normal pregnancy and fairly normal delivery. We felt extremely fortunate to have had no complications throughout that experience. After our daughter was born our lives became a little chaotic. Jonathan’s younger brother was diagnosed with cancer and he fought it for three years before he passed away. I went to nursing school for two years and we were both working full time hours on top of that. 

In the midst of all this we decided to go on our honeymoon which had been put off for some time. Prior to our trip I found out we were once again expecting. I didn’t tell anyone as I wanted to go to the doctor first. I tested positive there as well so she sent me for lab work. The lab work came back and the doctor let me know that I had lost the pregnancy. I never really talked about it again after that day. 

A few years ago we moved across the country to start two new careers and life was pretty crazy once again. We decided to try for another baby and were really excited and optimistic. It took a while but eventually we got pregnant just before a family trip to the caribbean. Due to the zika virus and the beginning of the covid-19 pandemic we decided it best to tell our families at only 10 weeks pregnant so we could decide what to do about the trip. Everyone was so excited. Brooklyn was excited. We even took some announcement photos of her to share with our friends and family. 

The following week I had a little bit of spotting so I went to my doctor and he told me not to worry and that everything was fine. I went home because I knew even if everything wasn’t fine, there wasn’t anything they would or could do. The next day I remember going to the bathroom and seeing so much blood and I just started crying. I walked out to the living room, I laid down on the couch with my head on Jonathan’s lap, crying. I could feel the contractions. I could feel my body getting rid of the pregnancy. With every contraction I felt a wave of intense emotion. My husband held me. The next day he offered to stay home with me but you know me “I’m a strong independent woman” I told him it was okay and I would be just fine. I received a call from my doctor urging me to meet him at the hospital so I could be assessed. In my head I just wanted to have this miscarriage alone in the peace of my own home. I reluctantly went to the hospital. After my ultrasound they told me I was retaining placenta and that I was going to require a D+C right away. They took me to the OR and the last thing I remember is the nurses turning the radio on. I woke up a while later with a sore throat. I’m still unsure what happened but I required intubation for some reason. Jonathan and Brooklyn met me in the post op area and took me home. 

Flash forward 10 months later and we find out we’re pregnant again. I was very unattached to the pregnancy at first. I figured I would probably miscarry again. My doctor booked a dating ultrasound and I went down on my lunch break. I figured it would be quick and they would likely tell me I wasn’t pregnant any longer. In retrospect, talk about intrusive thoughts much? I laid on the table and the ultrasound tech was chatting with me and I remember telling her “honestly I will be surprised if you are able to find a heartbeat”. 

Instead she found two. 

I was in complete shock. There was no room for intrusive thoughts those first few weeks following our dating ultrasound. It was so blissful and we were so happy. At 19 weeks everything changed. They told me my cervix had shortened and I likely wouldn’t maintain the pregnancy. Several doctors prepared me for losing these babies. It was devastating. A rescue cerclage was placed. Intrusive thoughts began again, I was going through the motions, reluctant to get prepared for fear of losing them and every weekly appointment after that was terrifying. Every day I would sit on my couch and listen to their heartbeats with my at home doppler and while as a nurse I know it’s not a medically full proof tool, it gave me some peace of mind. At 29 weeks I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. Everything in me was telling me this was really bad but I stayed calm and we went to the hospital. We welcomed the twins later that night. 

Overall I had heightened anxiety throughout this pregnancy from a combination of previous losses and from what was currently affecting the survival of the pregnancy physiologically. I think if I went on to have a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy like I had with Brooklyn, those fears would have still been there. It can be difficult making the decision to try again after a loss and sometimes you think you’re ready when maybe you need a little more time. Ultimately you do what you think is best for you and your family and lean in to the people who support you.